Dude my mom stole all your condoms
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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