Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
