There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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