theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
