i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
