i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
