The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
