Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
