The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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