So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
