I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
