shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
