I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I will pee on everything he values.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
