I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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