i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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