We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
