Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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