it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
