i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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