There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
