How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
