Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
