Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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