found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
