M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
this will be a night to untag.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
