She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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