A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
