I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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