my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
so much tequila, so little girl.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
