I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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