Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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