If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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