so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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