If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I want her autograph on my taint
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
