Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
