she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
