she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
