what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
