After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
