I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I didn't notice because vodka
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
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