hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
