I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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