Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
