Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
