I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
