what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
