Umm I'm too high to move.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
