I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Farmville is her only friend.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
