one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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