If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
